x marks the spot

hearing: The Face of Love- Sanctus Real
favorite parts <3: “And you are the face that changed the whole world. No one too lost for you to love. No one too low for you to serve. So, give us the grace to change the world. No one too lost for me to love. No one too low for me to serve…”
                        &
“You’ve been portrayed a thousand different ways, but my heart can see you better than my eyes.”
*~~~*

    WOAH! :) Happy New Year’s :)

*Point One:
    So this blog started out as a conversation with myself trying to describe what has been going on with me over the past month. I tend to go through these little ups and downs with Jesus. There are times when I can feel Him with his hand closed tightly within my own; it is these times when I feel most in love. But there are also times when I feel so alone. I know Jesus is still beside me, but I withdraw myself from Him. I think this is partly because I get mad at him. The rational side of my mind turns on at this point and asks, “How can you be mad at someone who never does anything wrong? How can you not talk to someone who loves you with everything they have?” And the questions bring tears to my eyes because I know I shouldn’t feel angry or withdraw myself from the one who owns my soul.
    I thought about the questions all day, and I think I have found the solution. It is found in the question, I think that sometimes I get so mad at Him because He never does anything wrong. He is absolute perfection. And I think sometimes I tend to get jealous over that fact, because obliviously I’m not perfect in anyway. No matter how hard I work I will never be able to work hard enough to be enough for Him. I was the reason He died just so I could be His equal as I enter into the gates of Heaven.
    And as to the second question, well, it does sort of irk me that no matter what I do He will always take me back. Sometimes, I just want someone to yell at me and tell me that I was being stupid. But He never does. He always looks at me with those big beautiful eyes, and takes my hand with the hand that perfected every detail of nature. He never ceases to forgive, which I am grateful for because I never cease to sin. It is just that sometimes I wish He would be harsher to me and He’s not.
   
        Anyway :) That’s just how it gets with me sometimes. It’s a little hard for me to just go all out with the trust thing, but I’m learning :)

*Point Two
     My second point of this blog is a lyric to one of my favorite songs. Every time I hear the song, It Was Me, I get chills. It has one of the most beautiful lines that fits in perfectly with my past. “Who saved you when no one else could?” Awh :) So, basically, this small little line describes my entire life story :)
    Once upon a time a little girl was born :) She was black and blue (where she had a few complications being born), but to him she was beautiful :) Because he already knew that she was his. He knew that she would grow up, and that she would make the choices necessary to make him a part of her.
    So this child grew, not so much in grace and beauty, but in knowledge and dreams. She had a few problems on the way of growth (which caused her lots of casts and bruises), and almost lost the fight with a sinus problem, but he had other plans. This was the second time he saved her life. He gave this little girl hopes, and dreams big enough to fill seven of the largest galaxies. Her goal was to write and fill the world with beautiful words, and wonderful stories, but she turned down the wrong road.
    He watched in miserable pain as she picked at the scabs on her legs. “Battle wounds,” she thought. “Proof of this pathetic life I’ve lived.” He watched through tears as she planned the evil deed out, she was only waiting for the right moment. But he couldn’t let her finish it out and give up. Hope was sent to her in the form of a small text saying I love you. The girl threw away the knife she held in her hand. And once again, he had saved her life. It was a long hard road back to him, but she unknowingly traveled it, and when the time came, she fell to her knees.
    The past she knew was buried at the bottom of the deepest ocean, and her dreams mapped themselves into the night sky.
       
    “Everything you want to change about yourself, all the parts about yourself that you want to keep secret, its your power. IT’S who you are.” -Fame-

    The hardest pain for me to live with was the possibility that God would not take me back. As many times as I had fallen, I thought the feat to be impossible. If you have ever been to that place where you had (as a CHRISTIAN) ran so far away that you thought, Well HE won’t bother to pull me out of this one, then you know what I am talking about. My brain had actually just given up all hope of surviving.
    So when JESUS stepped in and saved me from Satan. (WHEN HE SAVED ME FROM MYSELF…) The pain was first like a BURNING fire. I was so ashamed of what I had done and who I had become. BUT a cool new fire washed over me as Jesus brushed all of the past sin off of me. HE said, My dearest sister, you are clean, you are right back where you belong. Taylor Swift's song you belong with me is exactly what JESUS sings to us.

        "I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cry
         I know your favorite songs and you tell me about your dreams
         I think I know where you belong. I think I know it's with me.
        Can't you see that I'm the one who understand you?
         Been here all along so why can't you see?
         You belong with me"

    I still have a hard time sometimes. The urges and desires have never fully gone away. But like every addiction, you just have to look at it as a daily success. Satan uses this to tempt me, but this only proves that I am human.
I'm a dreamer, a hoper, and a FIRM believer in prayer.
I have hearts on my notebooks and HEALED scars on my legs.
I believe in miracles, because I AM ONE.
There is no way I should be alive today.
The odds have been stacked against me since jan.19,1992.
But GOD has a plan for me, and HE'S not finished just yet.

*Point Three :)
    Happy 2010 :) Already a new year has begun and it is quite amazing. Who would have thought it would come so quickly? So, :) I’m going to make a list of ten things I want to get accomplished in this year :)
       
        Goals:
            1. Finish my story :)
            2. Not text as much (yeah right)
            3. Start & Finish sewing my blanket :)
            4. Make a new friend.
            5. Drink more water.
            6. Get 10,000 songs on my iPod (I have close to 2,000 right now)
            7. Keep my room somewhat on the clean side.
            8. Write in my journals more J (I have like 10 blank ones now)
            9. Read through my Bibles again.
            10. Get a different part in the Easter play (I’ve been Mary (Lazarus’ sister) for the past 3 years)

    Aha! There we have it. :) Hopefully I’ll do at least half of it :) Anyways :) lol I guess I’m going to go :) Have a happy and safe new year. Keep your eyes stuck on the One who created the heavens and the earth in a single day. :)
                           
                            Shine. Bright.
                            Emily. Ann.