Inadequate Love

Okay,
So it’s like two whole days away from semester exams. You could say that I’m beginning to get just a little stressed out. A smart person would be memorizing every formula found in their college algebra & algebra 2 books. Sadly, I’m not that person. Instead, I am spending all my time engulfed in The Mortal Instruments trilogy. Honestly I stayed up until 5 a.m. last night just reading. It has been a week and two days since I started. I am now 74 pages into book 3. They are, in my opinion, much better than twilight, but that’s just me. I’m just waiting on Jace and Clary to find out how perfect they are together and finally be together. *sighs dreamily*

ANYWAY, senior year is officially halfway over. :( This makes me sad, because it has basically flown by, and I know that next semester will be even worse. I honestly should have listened when the old people warned me of this. I never thought that they would have been right. Yet here I stand with only 5 months left of my senior year, and one month away from me becoming the mature adult that comes with the title eighteen. So, basically what I’m saying is that I am scared to death to meet the year 2010. I kind of wish that I fit in more with my senior class, but I always feel like I’m an outsider, the black sheep of the herd, because I’m not much like any of them. This could be because all my friends are juniors though.

On a brighter note, Ms. Brewster, my AP English teacher, announced that we are finished with Shakespeare. :) This means whoo for me. Although I love Shakespeare, I hate the way she teaches it. It is rather boring, but she did let us act out like every scene. It really seemed to help everyone remember it better and brought a lot of laughs. I’ll make sure to put up a video sometime.

I thought maybe in one of these that I would explain the title of the blog to myself, but honestly it began in a dream.

A beautiful girl of seventeen stood on the river bank. She peeked over the bank looking at her reflection in the smooth, clear water. I walked over to where she stood, and gasped as I saw her reflection. Down one side of her face, a scar marring her once beautiful complexion. Ashamed I looked over to the girl to offer an apology, but she didn’t seem to notice that I was even there. I peeked over the grassy edge once again, but I noticed that I had no reflection. She couldn’t see me. I was about to walk away, her tears stopped me in my tracks. I looked back to see her kneeling by the edge.

“God,” her voice was a shaking whisper, and I sat on the ground beside her.
“I know you are out there, but I’m not sure what to do. I’ve messed up so badly.” Her words became incoherent, and I watched helplessly as she broke down before me. It was then that I noticed the scars lacing her arms and legs. I saw the anger in her eyes mixed with a small flicker of hope. I looked at my feet awkwardly. When I looked up again, a man was kneeling beside her. I watched his movements curiously. He moved his hands over the girl before slowly wrapping his arms around her in a hug. After a few moments he stood up and walked away, but a duplicate of him was still hugging the girl. Amazed I stumbled over to the man.

“Sir, what did you just do?” He turned to me as I asked.

“She asked me to mend her heart, and I promised that I would never leave.”

“What do you mean she asked you to mend her heart?” I asked confused making the man smile.

“It was broken,” he exclaimed, “But now, it is new again.” I felt my face scrunch into confusion as he stood there.
“But how?”

“Surely you understand child. The same thing happened to you.”

“Who are you?” I asked. The man said nothing and I feared that I had made him angry. I watched as he slowly held out his hands. Two red scars stood out, and I gasped.
“Jesus?” I asked amazed, and he nodded in confirmation. “Where have you been?"

“Funny, child, I could ask you the same question.” He frowned as he spoke.

“You left me!” I pointed my finger at him as I shouted the accusation, but he only shook his head.

“No Emily, you left me.” I looked at him in horror as the truth dawned on me.

“Jesus… I…” He cut me off midsentence and hugged me.

“I love you too.” He said, and then everything fell into perfect sense. The undying love that the creator of the stars has for me, and the small pathetic love that I had to offer him in return. Yet it was enough for him, and he took me as I was. I could feel my heart being changed from it's cold state to on fire. It was cool and low at first, but I felt it grow to big and hot. My eyes opened wide to the heavens, as if waiting for something to happen.
"Keep your eyes right there sweetheart. I promise I'll be back soon, but in the meantime, I'll be right here." He placed his hand over my heart as a smile appeared on my face.

"I'll be waiting." I whispered.
THE BEGINNING

So, story time is over :) It was a great dream huh? A love story in the greatest sense, and I do love a good love story. I love it when the girl finally meets her perfect match. When the guy looks longingly into her eyes before he finally kisses her for the very first time. It gives me this wonderful beautiful high that I don’t want to come down from. Then I think of Jesus, and how completely inadequate my love is for him, even though he has my entire heart. Even if I live for ten million billion years, completely and totally IN LOVE with Him, I still will not have loved Him even .000000000000000000001 of what he loves me with every second of everyday. I am wrong for Him in every sense of the word, but he still loves me. This isn’t like some Bella hearts Edward love, this is way more intense and totally real, which explains the sudden increase in my heartbeat. If I could choose how to spend the rest of my time on earth, I would spend every second alone with a pen and a paper falling in love with Jesus. Like Matthew West’s song more says, He loves us more than the stars :) ******

Shine Bright.
Emily Ann.