THE REASON I HAVE BEEN MUTE TO THE WORLD.

Chapter Numero UNO of my story Ten Zillion Fireflies.





February 21, 2009 
1:52 a.m.

I burrowed further under the covers. Each breath I took felt like a dagger in my side. This was not happening, not right now. I could hear mom and dad’s angry yelling from down the hallway. Was it impossible for them to stop for one night? The screaming worsened as loud crashes began to bounce off the walls, echoing down the hall in into my bedroom. Great, I thought. Now they’re breaking stuff.

Now would be the time that Brendon would be crawling into bed, wrapping his long arms around me. 

“They’re being idiots.” He would say. “I wish that they would just go ahead and divorce.” I would then nod, agreeing with him, and he would continue on. “Have you heard what they said about the ocean?” I would shake my head, even though he knew that I was lying. “It’s full of salt,” he would say before lulling me to sleep with another of his lullabies. 

I quietly got out of bed and made my way over to his room. As I turned the light, I was surprised to find it exactly the way he left it. They said after two months the shock would fade, but it still hadn’t. I don’t think that it ever will. I could feel the hot tears stinging my face as I slowly crawled into my twin brother’s unmade bed. It still smelled painfully of him. On the nightstand was a framed picture of our trip to Alaska. Bren was wearing one of his laughing smiles; the kind that took up his whole face. I was surprised to find a matching one covering my face also. I miss you so much Brenny, I thought, calling him by my special nickname. 

I took the picture, cradling in my arms like an overprotective mother. I heard the door to my parent’s room slam, and mom stomping down the hallway in high heels. She paused when she got to his room, passing it up and walking back several times. Slowly the bedroom door creaked open sending a small crack of light to rest upon the wall. 

“Madelynne, hunny.” She paused, waiting for my answer, but I lay staring at the wall, pressing the picture in tighter to me. 

“Madelynne, I’m leaving. I can’t stay here anymore.” She said as I finally looked back at her. She looked around the room. “I’m sorry Mads,” she said as she sat on the edge of the bed. 
“He is not the man I married.” I could hear the tears in her voice. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered as she got up and walked away. And then I was alone again. The feeling of abandonment added to the black hole in my chest. Why couldn’t Brendon be here? He could make this all better in a matter of minutes.

The frame moved making a small scratch across my arm. As bad as it sounded, I finally felt the relief I was looking for. I had to have more. I walked slowly into the bathroom, contemplating what I was about to do. I knew exactly where to look, reaching into the cabinet; I pulled out a brand new razor. I sat on the floor looking at it for a while. Maybe this would help, but was this really the answer? Brendon tried so hard to stop, but he told me how in control it made him feel. Several minutes later, I threw the razor back into the cabinet, and reached up to the medicine cabinet instead.

I grabbed the painkillers taking eight more than was recommended on the bottle. I quickly took them as I heard the bedroom door open again. A small knock sounded on the bathroom door.

“Maddie,” dad said quietly. 

“Yes?” I rested my hands against the sink.

“You need to go back to bed. I’m going to work. Don’t wait up for me tomorrow night.” He said, and then, he was gone. The tears quickly filled my eyes and ran down my cheeks. 
I found the razor one more time, and sat in the bathtub. I looked at my scar-free legs one more time, before slowly making the very first cut. It hurt. A lot at first, but then everything started to feel numb. Finally, relief.


February 22. 2009
12:27 p.m.

I winced as I slid into my jeans. My unhealed cuts rubbed against the fabric. The shower was horrible. Brendon never told me about the after effects of cutting. But I guess it was just something that I had to deal with now. I grabbed my keys off the desk and rummaged through my purse for my wallet. Giving up, I just took the whole thing. The mall was practically empty except for a large group of Brendon’s old friends sitting by the fountain. I tried to ignore them, I had to go and talk to Amy to see if there was any way that I could have my job back.

“Madelynne,” I heard Cam call. I sighed, I was almost there. Maybe I could act like I didn’t hear him. I began to walk a little faster. “Madelynne,” he said as he jogged to catch up. No, a getaway was not possible this time. I stopped and turned to him.


“What Cam?” I asked in an annoyed tone. This made him smile.

“Still hate me huh?” He asked making me roll my eyes and start to walk away. He grabbed my arm, “Madelynne, wait, please. I didn’t mean it. Look, I really wanted to talk to you.”

“Sorry Cam,” I said as I yanked my arm away storming off, “I have to be somewhere.”

He never moved from his spot. “Will you meet me for lunch? Please?” I walked into the store with no reply.

“Madelynne!” Ammiee shrieked as she ran over to me. “Hey! I’ve missed you.”

“Hey.” I said with a smile.

“Please tell me that you are coming to get your job back.” She pleaded. I nodded shocked. “Great. I still have your vest waiting on you.”

“Wow, thanks.” I said with a smile. “I can start tomorrow if you want.” I watched her eyes light up.

“Oh my gosh yes! Thank you! So tomorrow at four?” I nodded. Ammiee got a worried look on her face. “So have you started back to school yet?” I looked at her sheepishly.

“I don’t think I’m ready for that just yet.” She nodded and wrapped her arm around my shoulders.

“If you ever want to talk, you know I’m here for you.” I nodded as I began to walk towards the door. “See you tomorrow kiddo.”
I had just gotten outside the door, when I saw Cam sitting on the bench.

“Well hello there. Have lunch with me?” He asked as he peered over his magazine. I laughed at him as I walked away. I had no intent on eating with him. “Look, Madelynne, I’m in pain too. He was my best friend.”

“Yeah, and you’re the reason that he’s gone.” I replied viciously before walking away.

“Madelynne, I’m sorry. I don’t expect you to forgive me, I can’t forgive myself. I just thought that maybe, maybe we can help each other.” The tears began to fall down my face. Not here.

“Cam,” I whispered as I watched sympathy fill his face. I had secretly always had a crush on him. He reached out slowly, touching my cheeks and wiping away the tears falling from my eyes.

“I’m just asking for friendship Mayjay.” He whispered. I was surprised to hear him say Brendon’s nickname for me. It was a horrible combination of my first and middle names, but Bren was the only one who could use it.

“Cam,” I whispered again before he pulled me into a hug. I pushed him away. “I can’t trust you.”


4:53 p.m.

I snuggled up in my blanket. I hadn’t used this window seat in ages. I had just begun to write in my journal again, when the doorbell sounded. Who in the world could that be? I made my way down to the door to find Cam standing outside. Immediately I slammed the door closed. The doorbell rang again. And again, and again.

“What do you want Cam?” He smiled, pulling a bouquet of daisies from behind his back.

“I just want to be friends.” I looked at him uncertain as he spoke.
“Please?”

“No Cam. I don’t even want to see you. You killed him.” I slammed the door again, this time running upstairs. I wrapped back into my blanket and picked up my journal, not really in the mood to write anymore. I looked at the blank page. I love blank paged journals. They are so unstructured, so… free. Sometimes I wondered if doing this even mattered anymore, if it was even helping. I flipped back to page one. To my darling and most talented sister, never forget your hopes or dreams. Fill this journal with your words like you’re going to do to the world someday. I love you. Brenny. I turned back to the blank page and began.

Day 64
I slept in his bed again last night. Surprisingly it still smelled like him. Mom left, I don’t know where dad is. He still won’t look at me. Mom said it was because Bren and I looked so much alike. I think that inside, dad still blames me for not being there, for not dying too, or for not dying instead. I wish he could see how bad it makes me feel. The first thing he said when he saw me in my bed that night, was that I should have been with him. That I shouldn’t have let him sneak out. I cut last night.



February 28, 2009
10:39 p.m.

I heard a soft knock on the door, and sat up in my bed.
“Come in.” The door creaked open, and dad poked his head in.

“Madelynne, can we talk?” He asked. His voice sounded hopeful, and he smiled when I nodded. He came in and took a seat on the edge of my bed. “Look Maddie, I’m moving out. I can’t take it here anymore.” I looked at him in shock. You have got to be kidding me.

“Are you serious?” I asked. He nodded. “Well, where are we going to go?” A frown covered his face.

“Maddie, I’m going, alone.” He explained, rubbing the back of his neck. I felt my mouth hang open. “Look, Madelynne, you are eighteen, you can take care of yourself, you have a job, and you can have the house. I’ll sign it over next week, it’s paid off, I’ll send you money for the bills, but I just can’t stay here.” I looked at him in shock.

“You’re leaving me, alone?” I asked as a hurt look covered my face.

“Yeah, I’m moving out tomorrow.” It was now that he got up to leave without saying another word.


March 1, 2009
2:48 a.m.

I sat in the bathtub watching the blood flow from thin slices in my legs. Each line flowed into another creating a picture in the form of beautiful chaos.

I remembered Brendon’s cuts; long jagged marks that marred his legs. I only saw them once. We were leaving, and I accidentally walked in on him changing. I was horrified. I didn’t understand why… how he could do that to himself. I think he might have even tried to explain, but I wasn’t willing to stay around to listen.

I waited until late that night to tell on him, I’m not sure that I should have now. Mom freaked out, and I thought that dad was going to beat him to death. I was positive that he was going to hate me, but at 3 a.m. when mom and dad finally went to bed, Bren snuck in my room. I must have apologized a thousand times, but he only waved it off as he turned off the light and crawled into bed with me.

He told me everything that night. About Carly, the girl he had met in New York. About he stayed in touch with her until she died. Suicide. I held him as he cried that night. As he went through the withdrawal from cutting; as he mourned the loss of what suicide had so easily stolen from him. Before that night, I had never seen Brendon cry. I didn’t like it, but I was glad to see that he trusted me with something this big. He told me that he had begun to cut when the night she died. And then, everything made sense. He was in love, and she was gone.

I never told him how bad it had hurt me because at the time it seemed selfish, and he was grieving. It’s not like he could help it anyway. But it still wounded me. We were twins. We had always done everything together. And he had gone off and fallen in love without me. Dang it Bren.

The hot tears made their way down my face, and for once I didn’t try to wipe them away. There was no one to hide from here. I cried myself out in that old bathtub before carefully bandaging my legs and retrieving my journal.

Day 71

Dawn is breaking and twelve new cuts have been made. Dad has left. I have to work with Cam, who is trying to be my friend again. I’m not really sure how to process all of this right now.

Brendon always told me to journal when the words were fresh in my mind. I left it open on my desk, allowing the pen to bookmark my page and crawled into bed. If there is one thing that I know, it’s that I can not go on alone. Cam comes to my mind instantly. Maybe, I thing as I drift off to unconsciousness.




March 3, 2010
4:39 p.m.

I was just getting used to the steady pace of working in the bookstore. Beside me, the new work schedule was tacked to the wall, silently reminding me that Ammiee was looking after me. She had cleverly arranged my workdays to alternate with Cam's so that we wouldn't have to see each other at all, with the exception of a brief encounter on Saturdays. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a man approach the counter. As I turned to greet him, I struggled to maintain a smile.

"Sorry," Cam says. "I know you don't want to see me, but I needed this." He explains as he rubs his neck nervously. "Look, Madelynne," he continues as he hands over a twenty. "Let me be there for you. Please." He says in a begging tone.

"Have a nice day Cam." I reply, handing him the bag and the change. Luckily for me, he gets the hint and walks away. After Cam is gone, only a small trickle of customers fill the rest of the day.


March 7, 2010
12:14 p.m.

I sat in the parking lot at school for thirty minutes before I could actually make myself walk in. I had technically been enrolled in a home school program for the last month. It was the one good thing that dad did for me after being sent to court. I never did anything though. Just laid around the house. Sleeping mostly. But even sleep had become a battle now.

All I had to do was get our stuff. That's all. But still, the butterflies roaring in my stomach was enough to make me sick. At the last minute I turned and ran back to my car. I couldn't do this. There was no way, but even more surprises awaited me at home. When I walked in, I found mom sitting in the living room waiting on me.

"Hey Mads," she said, but I only scowled in her direction. I wasn't entirely sure that she even deserved that. "Look Madelynne," mom said as she sighed. "I love you." Mom said making me laugh.

"Yeah mom, you have a great way of showing it." I retorted as I sifted through the mail that she had so kindly went through and brought in for me.

"I do. Look, I'm staying over at Sherrie's with her and the kids and her friend Carol. I just wanted to tell you that a room is open for you." She offered.

"No thanks," I answer, opening the letter from dad.

Madelynne,

I hope you are well. Here is some money. Pay the bills, and then buy yourself something nice. I love you.

Dad


The I love you at the end was a nice touch. Thanks dad. Thanks for the nice smack across the face. I thought as the tears begin to run down my face.

"I'm going to go." Mom said.

"Yeah," I agreed. "It's what you're good at." I looked at the hurt look on her face.

"I'm grieving too Madelynne." She exclaimed, defending herself.

"Yeah, and you're the mom. I'm not asking you to be strong. I never asked you for that. I just asked you to be here with me." I yelled at the top of my lungs. My voice broke in the end, leaving me there to look at here with crazed but broken look on my face.

"It's been two months Maddie. It's time to move on. Brendon wouldn't want this." She said quietly. This lit the blaze that was only smoldering inside me.

"You wouldn't know mom," I sneered. "You were too busy fighting with dad to even notice we were alive. Did you know he had been in love? Did you know that she killed herself? That he never got to tell her his feelings? I'll bet you didn't even know her name was Carly." I accused making her look away ashamed. "Just get out." I demanded.

"Madelynne, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you wern't the one whose life ended in that wreck. Life isn't going to just freeze so that you can get over yourself. People loose the ones they love everyday. I thought that I had raised you better than to be a selfish brat. Look around you Madelynne Jael. You're not just hurting yourself, but everyone around you too." Mom yelled from across the room. I watched as she shook her head and walked out shutting the door behind her.

Through the blinding tears, I made my way to my bathroom. I let the blade release all of my anger that night. The abandonment, the aching empty pain in my heart roared causing me to cry myself to sleep.

After finally cleaning my wounds, I counted. Thirty-four. I scrambled to my room and dug through my desk looking for the cell phone that I never used anymore. I called the one person that I knew I could trust.

"Hello." Ammiee said.

"Hey Ammiee, um, I know this would require a huge favor." I say uncertain. "But can I start working with Cam again?"


March 23, 2009
4:57 P.M.

The store was quiet and empty. I settled into the chair behind the register. Cam leaned against the counter studying me. I had begun to request work with him. Slowly at first, studying his reactions. I was glad Ammiee hadn't told him what was going on yet.

Cam's hunter green vest contrasted beautifully against his pale skin. "I'm really glad you're back Madelynne. It has really been lonely here without you." Cam said as he pulled on the partial smile that I was so fond of. It wasn't hard to see how I had fallen so hard for him at one time, but now he has become ab unanswered wish, a dream of a past life. I wonder if he realizes this. If he even cares. I look back up to my best friend, the one who tried like crazy to be there during my loss. I fall into the arms of the one who had caused my brother's death, and I relax. Instantly Cam's arms wrap around me, pulling me into him. The scent of his cologne fills my nose as his fingers lace through my hair.

"Oh Madelynne," he whispers, running his fingers through my hair to my shoulders. "I am so sorry." I wasn't prepared when he pushed me back, and even more unprepared for when his lips touch mine. It is a small kiss, but nontheless, one that I do not return. Whether for fear or shock, I do not know. I turn from him, back to my work, but now I wear a smile because I know that now I have a friend. And maybe, just maybe we'll be more than that.



April 2, 2009
12:01 p.m.

I sighed as I picked up my journal. I had neglected to write for a while and looked at the last entry. Somehow the feelings I mentioned were foreign to me like they were a part of an old dream. I heard the doorbell chime, and set down my book again, pulling on a jacket to cover the fact that I had yet to shower. I opened the door with a gasp.

"Hey." Cam said with a pearly white smile.

"Hi." I replied.

"We're still friends right?" He asked, and I nod.

"Want to come in? We could watch a movie." I offer opening the door wider. Cam grinned.

"I have to be at work in ten minutes. Can we take a rain check?" He asks.

"You have to be at work in ten minutes, but you're on my doorstep why?" I ask playfully.

"I wanted to see you." Cam said thoughtfully. "Tell you what, let me take you out after work."

"Take me out? What are you the mafia?" I said giggling, and making him laugh also.

"Please MayJay, we could go ice skating." He suggested.

"Ice skating huh?" I asked; Cam nodded. "In April?" I ask suspiciously. He nodded yes. "You can ice skate?" I ask amazed, and he nodded again.

"Trust me." He begs, and looking into those eyes the shade of ocean waves, I have to. "I have to go. I'll come around eight okay?" Cam pleads.

"Okay, eight." I say with a hopeful smile.


7:58 p.m.

I waited anxiously by the door. This was a trick. He is not going to show up. There is no way. Haha Cam. Very funny.


7:59 p.m.

I began to pace the floor. And even if he does show up, I think. Why am I even giving him the time of day? He killed Brendon. He didn't really kill him, a voice reminded me. I rolled my eyes.


8:00 p.m.

The doorbell chimed and suddenly the butterflies erupted in my stomach. Wait, this is not a date I reminded myself. It's just two friends going to the same place, together. That's all. I opened the door to find Cam with yet another bouquet of flowers. This time yellow roses were in his hands.

"You look amazing Madelynne." Cam said with a smile.

"Thanks," I said. "You do too." And he did.

Cam drove to the skating rink, which I never knew existed, paid for our skates, and led me over to a bench beside the rink. "Are you ready?" He asks me with a smile in his eyes. I nodded allowing him to to pull me onto the ice with him.

"So," I started, looking down at my wobbly ankles. "Cameron Sanders the ice skater. Somehow it doesn't sound like it's very popular with your friends. When did you start?" I ask him struggling not to fall.

"It's easier when you don't look down," he says, gently pulling my chin up to look in my eyes.
"I started when Brendon died. I've came out here everyday since then. I've stopped MayJay. Drinking, drugs, everything, it's all over." He admitted. I looked up into his amazingly blue eyes, and then began to fall. He looked surprised as he fell on his back, and I landed in his lap. But he smiled, and we both burst out laughing.

"Can I get you some coffee?" He asks me. I nod as he pulled me back onto my feet and helped me out of the rink.

He led me to one of the tables in the back, and slid in beside me setting my coffee down. We sat there for a while in silence. It was nice.

"MayJay," Cam began, "I've always liked you and I know that rushing into a relationship isn't what you want, but..." He said no more, because it was at that very moment that I decided to kiss him. For the first time in two months, I was happy. I feel his hand on my cheek, gently pulling me closer to him.

"Let's take it slow then. Okay?" I offer with a smile, and the contagious smile on his face was identical to the one on mine.


April 10, 2009:
4:27 p.m.

Cam’s hand found mine as we stood together.

“Ready?” He asks looking down at me. I take a deep breath and nod. He waits patiently for me to step forward. Seconds pass by forming minutes. The only things that I can hear is the steady sound of Cam’s even breathing and the gentle breeze blowing past us.

It is a cold April, snow still lining the shady ground. The heavy jacket hung loosely around me, easily showing the weight I had lost in the past two months. I could feel the warmth of Cam’s hand through both of our gloves, and I was thankful he was here. I place a quick kiss to his cheek and begin to walk.

Twelve steps later I was there, and fell to my knees in front of my brother’s tombstone. It was well kept, as clean as it was on February 2nd. Cam stayed back, letting me have my moment. Oh Bren, I thought. I miss you so much. I don’t know what to do, and I’m kind of dating the guy that stole your life. Mom and Dad have left me, I’m all alone.
“If you were only here,” I whispered aloud. I sat there for a while in the silence, before standing and joining Cam on the bench beside me. He gave a partial smile that melted my heart before wrapping my hand inside his and pulling it in his lap.

We sat there like that for what seemed an eternity. I knew what I had to do. In a way, my mom was right. I needed to continue to live. Brendon wouldn’t want me to be like this.

“Cam,” I said, my shaky voice made me nervous, and I could tell I had his undivided attention. “Can you help me do something?”


5:54

Cam followed as I led him through the house.

“Are you sure that you’re up for this?” I ask. I would not blame him if he wasn’t. He pulled his lovely half smile on his face.

“Not really,” he admits. “But, I’m willing to try.” He says which makes me smile. Not because he is strong, but because he is courageous. Because if I asked, he would be willing to just be friends. Because he helps me take the jumps that I wouldn’t dare dream of taking alone. I look back up to him, biting my lip. What would Brendon have to say about this? I smiled at Cam, before opening the door. I could smell Brendon as I fumbled for the light.

“Wow,” Cam says amazed. “No one’s touched it at all have they?” he asks, and I shake my head to answer. “Why don’t you take the desk, and I’ll work on the closet.” He offers worrying that I’m not going to be in the mood to sort through Brendon’s underwear.

“Okay, um… The shoes, socks, belts, and undies can go, but his pants and scarves go in that box, and the shirts need to go on the bed so we can sort through them.” I explain and he nods. His nervous smile shows me that he is just as nervous as I am. I pull a couple of boxes over to the desk that Brendon seemed to use as a store all. Books, journals, pictures, an iPod, phone, and a large stack of papers make it to the box. I toss everything else.

We only get a fourth of the room finished before a picture of Carly and Bren cause me to breakdown. Cam quickly pulls me into his strong arms and whisks me out of the room.

“That’s enough for today.” Cam says tucking me into bed and kissing my forehead before turning to leave, but I quickly grab his hand.

“Cam, wait.” I plead. He turns back to me. “Don’t leave. I have nightmares.” I explain. He looks at me sympathetically, obviously weighing the option.

“I’ll stay until you fall asleep okay?” he says and I gladly accept the offer. I scoot over, waiting for him to take the space that I once occupied. Cam paused unsure how to act. Finally he lay down laying as close to the edge that he was practically falling off.

“Cam, it is okay to get closer. This bed isn’t very big.” I say allowing him to wrap his arms around me.

Cam’s scent surrounds me, filling me with an odd comfort. I wonder if Brendon would be angry for this. But surely he would want me to be happy, and this is the closest I have been to that in months. Would Brendon have forgiven Cam? And then it hit me. The only guy who knew what happened to my brother is holding me, and I have no idea what his side of the story is.

10:23 a.m.

I wake to find Cam’s empty, yet still warm spot on the bed. The smell of bacon fills the air causing me to wonder if it was merely a dream. I stumble down the stairs into the kitchen and surely enough; there stands Cam at the stove.

I quietly make my way across the room, listening to him hum a familiar tune. I pause before wrapping my arms around his waist, and taking in the deep scent of his cologne.

“Mayjay.” Cam says with a smile, before turning to me with a plate of pancakes. “Hungry?” He asks with a knowing smile.

“You stayed.” I say happily, and he nods.

“I couldn’t leave you.” He explains.

“I’m glad.” I admit.

After breakfast, Cam joins me on the couch for a movie. Like an idiot, I let him pick the movie.

“Cam! No!” I plead as the title flickers on the screen. “I’m scared of this movie.” I say making him chuckle.

“It’s okay baby. They can’t hurt you.” He says trying to suppress a full blown laugh. His arms wrap around me as we lay there and I know that I must ask him. I just didn’t know how, so I remain silent, wondering just what Mr. Cam Sanders had to say, and how in the world I am going to get it out of him.